Ask a Child and Youth Mental Health Expert

• Approaching your child with curiosity and beginning by how you imagine they might be feeling. So, it could be something like, “I’m wondering if you’re feeling worried about starting school this year.”
• Then offer validation (which is why you feel that they might be feeling this way. That could include: “I’m wondering if you’re worried about school, because it’s been so long since you’ve last been there, and because you don’t know who your teacher will be. And because new things are scary, sometimes.”
• Then move into how are you going to support your child and allow for some discussion around “what do you need, I’m here for you. We’re going get through this together.”
  For more info about scripts to help your child click here.

When it comes to aggression, it’s important to set boundaries, and let the child know what is not accepted – hitting, screaming that sort of thing, but also let them know what they can do, where can they go to come down. What can they do? Who can they talk to? It’s very important that you reinforce what they can do. Also important is talking to them about their feelings, and it can be all sorts of feelings because anger really takes over when a child doesn’t know how to address the underlying feelings. Giving them some words to describe different feelings – maybe they feel lost, lonely, scared, anything like that, when you get to those feelings you can help them problem solve more effectively. They feel heard, they feel that they’ve been able to really understand what’s going on and they’re getting the help to do what’s right, and instead of getting angry. 

I think it’s common for adults to focus and notice behaviors, and sometimes we forget that behavior is communication and it’s important to try to help your child, label the feelings that are motivating the behavior. So, an example would be to say: ‘you seem like you’re feeling very frustrated right now’ and then to connect with them before you correct them. Ask them if there’s something you can do to help. It would be important to be sure that you’re very clear about what is the expected behavior.

We can’t assume that kids do know what they’re supposed to do at all times and also that they have problem-solving skills. That’s a skill that is learned over time.

And when they’re calm, that is a great time to teach alternative coping skills, ie, ask them ‘when you were mad at your friend, how could we have handled that differently, what else could we try.’ I would ignore negative behavior as much as possible as long as there’s no safety concerns. – Kathy at Hands The Family Help Network

I’ve heard from a lot of parents who are really concerned about their kids having fallen behind in school and what are the implications for that. I completely understand why you’re worried about that, but we’ve talked to child psychiatrists and other colleagues and teachers and administrators, and everybody says the same thing: don’t worry about that. Now I know that’s hard to hear. But the reality is coming back to in-person school, the social part of that is actually far more important to kids in the long run than the learning losses. Kids are resilient and will pick it up the education. Teachers and administrators are ready to go on. They understand that there’s been some learning loss, but they’re going to change their curriculums, change how they’re teaching to get kids to catch up eventually. But not immediately. The most important thing right now is the social skills and making sure kids feel mentally comfortable at school and that their mental well-being is good. The learning will come. Be patient with that. – Kim Moran, CEO, CMHO

Here are some tips from Sofia, a youth and family counsellor at Every Mind.

• Try to encourage your child to acknowledge when they feel triggered, this includes noticing and communicating their feelings and/or body sensations to you or someone they trust (e.g. a friend or a teacher). Connecting body sensations with feelings can be very helpful since body sensations are more concrete experiences. Remind your child that it’s ok to feel this way.
• Invite your child to have a safe object and space (at school and at home). Encourage your child to hold their safe object when feeling a strong feeling, body sensation/discomfort or when they are by themselves. This can help them to build inner resources so they can rely on themselves to feel safe.
• Practice rehearsing with your child situations where they may encounter bullying or similar experiences. Introduce a case scenario and ask your child questions around how they can address these kinds of situations, e.g. what can you say to someone who says or does this — to you? By practicing how to deal with stressful situations/interactions, your child can develop self-confidence and learn to manage triggering situations.   

Sometimes children put themselves down after getting angry or exhibiting undesirable behaviour because kids, generally, want to do the right thing but struggle to manage their impulses and emotions. They may feel like they are failing to do what they’re expected to do and they may feel upset with the anger itself because typically it doesn’t feel good. It can feel really out of control.  First, I encourage families to communicate a message in their home that “bad” behaviour doesn’t make a person “bad”.  We all have strengths and we all need to pay attention to areas where we need to learn and grow. Second, it is important to point out moments of desired behaviour and met expectations – when your child might have calmed down effectively or made a good choice.  Also, pointing out strengths outside of the challenging issues – when your child is helpful or works through a difficult problem.  It is helpful for your child to point out examples themselves as well.  Lastly, children need to be taught practical skills to calm escalated emotions and address the thoughts that contribute to their behaviour.  Parents may be able to access resources to teach their kids at home or they may benefit from counselling support. — Karene, EveryMind 

At Children’s Mental Health Ontario, we know that too many children and youth face long wait times for mental health treatment. We continue to advocate to the Ontario government to better fund child and youth mental health services and reduce these wait times. We know how hard it can be when you are waiting for care. In the meantime, please know that other services are available.

When you search our Find Help tool, you will find other services in your region, such as walk-in clinics and crisis lines which can provide short-term support to you and your child. Also, please consider connecting with a Parents for Children’s Mental Health (PCMH) network in your area. This will give you a chance to connect with other parents and caregivers who have been through or are on a similar journey.

Also, in a previous question for advice on accessing services in Northern Ontario, one child and youth worker had this advice: “I know that it can be really challenging to access mental health services for children in the North. And we know that there are long waiting lists. And that is really difficult for kids and for their family. Some of the tips that I have for families who are waiting for services for their kids is to look at what else is available in your community. In the meantime, what else can you access? It could be something like Big Brothers Big Sisters, and maybe your child’s school offers an art program, or even looking at maybe your community has a drop-in. Another tip that I would have would be for parents to familiarize themselves with some online resources that are available, such as Kids Help Phone. There are lots of online resources that offer parenting strategies, resources, and it can be really nice to be able to access that from home. And last, but not least, and I would encourage families to continue to ask for help, and especially as things change or maybe things get worse.”

Many kids hit at some point for various reasons. They may lack skills to deal with frustration, lack impulse control, or think it will help them get what they want. It’s important to stress there is a “no hurt” rule in the home. We don’t recommend spanking because it can be confusing to children and can lead to increased aggression.

What can you do? First, remind them that hitting is not ok and that it doesn’t solve problems. If your child is out of control, that’s not a time to talk or give consequences. You need to be calm, too. I recommend parents create a calming corner in the child’s room, so rather than a time-out, they take time to calm down. Consider creating a “comfort kit” for their calming corner. It might have things like bubbles, colouring, drawing, favourite toy, playdoh, etc.

Also, help the child label their feelings. For example, you could say: ‘you seem frustrated, and that’s ok, but you don’t hit mom.’ When they are calm, that’s a good time to teach them coping skills. Parents can model coping skills and talk out loud about taking their own time away when they are upset. Parents can even role play with the children when they are calm and act out responses. Don’t forget to reward and praise when you see your child using their words to describe their feelings or use their calming corner.

If the parent/caregiver is concerned about their personal safety, it’s important to reach out to a child and youth mental health centre. Find one in your area. Walk-ins and crisis centres are also available, if needed. – Kathy, Child and Family Therapist, Hands The Family Help Network

We recommend having an open demeanour and encouraging open communication. Let your teen know that they can come to you if they have a problem or are worried about something. Ideally, parents should model and encourage open communication early. If it hasn’t been the case, you have to be patient and give your teen time to feel safe and know that they can trust you. Be open to compromise and listen to them, even if you don’t agree with their perspective or choices. Try to validate them when they share how they feel with you.

Keep inviting your teen to join the family at dinner and family time, even if they say no or don’t say anything. Try to avoid putting pressure on them, looking frustrated or criticizing them if they don’t respond the way you would like to. Let them know that you care about them, want them to be well and that you also respect their personal needs. It is common that adolescents don’t talk to their parents as much as they used to when they were younger kids. Between ages 12-18 they are at stage of development where their identity as peers or part of a group of friends tends to be more important than being recognized as a family member.

If you have concerns about their mental health or worry that there is something more serious. You can tell them that you would like to support them and first you need to understand what they are dealing with. It can be helpful to offer options and open-ended questions rather than asking direct or yes/no questions, e.g. would you like to check with a counsellor or a family doctor? What can I do to support you? Is there anything you want me to do or stop doing?

It is also important that as a parent you reflect on your needs, if you find that your own mental health is being affected by stress or parenting, sometimes it’s helpful to get help for yourself first. Ensure that you talk to someone you trust and seek support if you feel that you need it. – Sofia, Youth and Family Counsellor, EveryMind

Many kids hit at some point for various reasons. They may lack skills to deal with frustration, lack impulse control, or think it will help them get what they want. First, it would be helpful to identify if there are triggers for his aggression – reacting to being told “no” for example.  If so, try using alternatives to “no” such as “after supper we can”, etc. 

It’s important to stress there is a “no hurt” rule in the home. We don’t recommend spanking because it can be confusing to children and can lead to increased aggression.  Remain calm and do not talk a lot or give consequences when your child is angry.  Instead, remind him that hitting doesn’t solve problems, acknowledge that he is very angry and you would like to hear more about his feelings. 

This is not a time to reason or explain why you said “no” – focus on helping your child feel heard and understood.  It is helpful to create a calming corner in your home where he can distract himself with pleasant activities to help bring his brain “back online”.  Adults should model positive coping skills and talk out loud about taking their own time away when they need it.  Don’t forget to reward and praise when you see your child using their words to describe their feelings or use their calming corner instead of lashing out. 

Also, consider logical consequences. For example, when a toy or something is destroyed, it does not get replaced. However, the child could earn a replacement through using positive skills.

If the parent/caregiver is concerned about their personal safety, it’s important to attend a walk in clinic or use the crisis line at your local child and youth mental health centre.  It may be that the child has witnessed aggression or is struggling with a neuro-developmental challenge  – Kathy, Child and Family Therapist, Hands The Family Help Network

It is so hard to watch your child worry and miss out on things his peers are doing. You have discovered, of course, that reassurance and logic aren’t very helpful. It is important to validate your son’s experience, acknowledging that these things are really difficult for him. Let him know that just because we think something doesn’t make it the truth, and his “worry talk” scares him by exaggerating the chances that something bad will happen. Discuss how you might work together with your son to be a thought detective and search for evidence to “talk back” to worry. Often kids need reminders to spend more time in the present (what is) vs worrying about the future (what if….). It will be important to use a “bravery ladder” with gradual exposure and rewards to help him face his fears, as continued avoidance of feared activities will make his anxiety grow. An example might be encouraging him to visit at the friend’s home one-to-one if possible before the birthday party. On the day of the party, make a plan with the parent to pick your son up right after presents are opened. He will likely manage the “structured” part of the party fine, but potentially worry about being left out during free playtime. There are many great books for both kids and parents on this topic. A great online resource is Anxiety Canada.  Should your child’s avoidance persist, reach out to your local child and youth mental health centre to access individual or group support.  – Kathy, Child and Family Therapist, Hands The Family Help Network