How can I tell if my child or youth is questioning their gender, sexuality, or expression?
Usually, there isn’t one defining moment that tells you that your child or youth is considering their gender identity or sexual orientation. Instead, this is usually a process that takes place over a lengthy amount of time. There are some signs that signal this exploration is underway.
They may share with you
Your child or youth might start to express uncertainty about their gender or say that they strongly identify with a different one. They might also start to use a different name and/or pronouns. They may start to express that they feel different than their peers or have feelings they don’t understand. They may open up to you about their sexuality or feelings they have for another person. Families are often not the first ones to know because the risk of losing your family is so great.
They may show you
There may be shifts in your child or youth’s interests or activities to those that align more closely with the way they see themselves (e.g., wanting to play on a boys’ hockey team rather than a girls’ team or joining a queer community group). They may start to change the way they dress or style their hair and might adopt different mannerisms to align with their identity. Those exploring their gender identity may be more self-conscious in different situations that make it hard for them to express their true gender (e.g., using gendered washrooms) and have difficulty with various aspects of personal hygiene (e.g., bathing, showering, grooming).
Their social circles may change
Your child or youth may start to spend time with different friends or social groups who share similar experiences or identities. They might start to avoid different social situations and activities that reinforce assigned gender roles (e.g., traditional sleepovers) or heteronormativity. They might also start to avoid school, and their academic performance may be impacted.
Coming Out
Coming out refers to the multi-step process of sharing an incredibly personal part of a person’s identity with others. It is an act of enormous trust and vulnerability for a person to “come out” to another, particularly to family members, where the potential repercussions may feel enormous.
A person’s gender identity, sexual orientation, and/or pronouns can change over time, and they may wish to share this with you. When your child or youth comes out to you, you may experience a range of emotions. Know that how you feel is okay, and it’s normal to wonder and have questions. Learn more about how to manage your own experience below so that you can focus on supporting your child or youth.
Your child or youth may choose to come out on more than one occasion as they learn more about themselves, and each time is valid, nor does it invalidate how they may have identified in the past. Coming out multiple times may add to their anxiety, so having a parent, caregiver, or adult ally respond in a way that validates their identity can make a big difference.
“At first, I brushed off what my child was saying about not feeling ‘girly,’ not realizing they were experiencing changes in how they identified. Now I just listen and follow their lead.”
Responding to Coming Out
When your child or youth first comes out to you, how you react matters. Responding in a calm and happy tone can be reassuring. Avoid responding in a shocked or angry tone. Try to match the energy of your child or youth and use supportive, affirming language. If they are acting happy, you can act happy with them. If they seem anxious to come out, you can be supportive by validating their feelings and reassuring them that their feelings are okay. Reassure your child or youth that this new information and journey they are going on doesn’t change your love for them. If you have questions, don’t be afraid to ask. Have conversations with your child or youth to learn more about their experience.
Sometimes, it doesn’t go so well—maybe it catches you off guard, or you jump to worries about what it may mean. Even a difficult or disastrous “coming out” can be repaired. Focus on your own reaction—why did it trigger those responses in you? What would you want to say instead if you could do it over?
If you find yourself in this situation, here’s a conversation starter you can try with your child or youth: “I am sorry for what I said/how I reacted. I truly apologize. You shared something huge with me, and I want you to know that I love you, and while it may take a bit for me to understand, I am not going to love you any less…”
Here is an affirmation you can offer your child or youth: “You are loved, and you are my child no matter what, and no one else’s opinion can change that.”