What are pronouns and why do they matter?
You may be hearing a lot about pronouns lately. Pronouns are significant since they are used to represent someone’s gender identity. Remember, gender identity is a person’s core sense of self and how they feel as an individual, so it means a lot.
Common Pronouns
She/her/hers, which are typically used for people who identify as female.
He/him/his, which are typically used for people who identify as male.
They/them/theirs, which can be used as a singular pronoun for people who identify outside of the male-female binary or when you’re unsure of a person’s gender identity.
By the time your child becomes a youth, you’ve probably said their name and used certain pronouns to refer to them millions of times. So, it might feel uncomfortable or awkward to make a change after all these years. But if your child or youth asks you to refer to them by a new or different pronoun and/or chosen name, it’s important to hear what they’re saying and know that the choice of words you use matters a lot. When you use your child or youth’s chosen name and pronouns, it shows that you respect, affirm, and accept them for who they are and that you support their gender identity. It also goes a long way in creating a safe and inclusive home for everyone.
Meet Toni, 19. Toni remembers what it felt like to be placed into a gender category at a young age. Toni is intersex, and the doctors chose the gender female. Being referred to as “she” never felt right. Today, Toni uses the pronouns they/them. These pronouns allow Toni to live as their true self.
“I asked my child to be patient with me while I adjusted to using their new pronouns. I explained that I am retraining my brain, and it may take a few tries, but I promised I would get there. Don’t confuse my mistakes with disapproval.”
Misgendering
Misgendering is when a person is referred to using pronouns that don’t align with their gender identity or chosen pronouns. A person may experience many feelings when being misgendered, including distress, sadness, anger, shame, guilt, and other negative emotions. When a transgender person is misgendered, these feelings may be experienced even more intensely. Some transgender people describe it as feeling like “a punch to the gut” or a slur. These feelings may arise whether or not the misgendering was done with the intent to cause harm.
Sometimes, you might forget or make a mistake—and that’s okay. It’s important to own your error, correct yourself in the moment and in future situations, and show your child or youth that you see and respect them. If you’re not sure what someone’s pronouns are, it’s perfectly acceptable to ask them since it’s important not to make assumptions about how people identify in terms of their gender.