What should I do if my child or youth is bullying someone?
When a child or youth bullies, they learn to use power and aggression as a way of hurting and controlling others. If you suspect that the child or young person in your life is engaging in bullying behaviour, it can be concerning, uncomfortable, and disappointing. Young children might not realize that their actions can be harmful to others or might not recognize the extent of pain they’re causing another child. For youth, bullying behaviours might help them gain and use power, increase their popularity, help them “get back at someone” for something, resolve boredom, exercise prejudice, or react to peer pressure. Whatever the root cause(s), as a parent or caregiver, you have a role to play in addressing this behaviour.
Talk and listen
It’s important to start an open conversation with your child or youth so you can hear about the situations in which your child or youth is bullying and try understanding why. You can help them to understand how their behaviours might be affecting others and emphasize that bullying is not okay under any circumstances. It’s important to do this with a calm and open approach.
Take time to understand why
Explore whether they are feeling overwhelmed or stressed about something in their life and using bullying behaviours as a way of coping. Have things shifted in their friend group? Are they struggling to deal with different feelings and pressures? You can help them think through how they can handle situations in different, more positive ways.
When I was dealing with my daughter targeting others, I tried to talk to her about it to better understand what was going on. I started by saying, “Sometimes when we’re angry or hurting, it can feel better to see someone else hurting. Is that a feeling that you can relate to?”
Be a positive role model
Children and youth might be more likely to exhibit bullying behaviours if they see adults treating each other in disrespectful or unkind ways. As a parent or caregiver, modeling positive behaviour, respectful communication, and constructive approaches to conflict resolution can help your child or youth to develop empathy and healthier ways of interacting with others. The way you interact with people conveys your expectations for how your child or youth should be connecting with their peers.
Establish appropriate consequences
It’s important to remember that “hurt kids, hurt kids.” As a parent or caregiver, you’ll need to spend time exploring the reasons for the behaviour to ensure that your child or youth has the appropriate supports in place to stop the behaviour. You may also need to put non-violent, swift consequences in place that are focused on correcting their actions or limiting their ability to continue the behaviour (e.g., limit their use of devices or internet, work with the school to limit free time where appropriate). Engage with other adults and school personnel to do this in a holistic way.
It’s important to name the behaviour and let them know that it’s not okay. It can be more powerful than asking them what happened or why they did it. Let them know that when they made the decision to _________ (e.g., make a peer the target of a joke, physically hurt someone) they made a choice to cross a line. Ask them, “What are you going to do to repair this situation?”
Seek professional help
As a parent or caregiver, you’re not alone. There are many professional therapists or counsellors that can help your child or youth to develop different strategies for engaging with peers. As well, at Parents for Children’s Mental Health, we’re here to support you while you support the child or young person in your life.