What should I do if my child or youth is being bullied?
If you notice changes in your child or youth and it becomes clear that they are being bullied, it’s important that they hear some key messages from you. You’ll want to share with them that they are not to blame for what they’re experiencing—it’s simply not their fault. It’s also extremely comforting for them to hear that they’re not alone and that you and other adults are there to help make the bullying stop. Emphasizing that bullying is never okay, and that they have the right to be safe and be treated with respect will also go a long way in calming them in the moment. Once you have set the stage, here are some concrete next steps you can try.
Talk and listen
It can be hard to talk about the experience of being bullied. You may need to encourage your child or youth to share what’s being going on in a supportive and non-judgemental way. Ask questions like, “I’ve heard a lot about bullying lately…is that something that’s going on at your school?” or “Is everything going okay with your friends and other students at school?” Rather than trying to solve the problem, focus on listening and providing support.
Reassure
Let your child or youth know that you believe what they’re sharing with you, and that you’re glad they confided in you. Remind them again that it’s not their fault, and that you’re going to help them.
Help your child or youth know when it’s time to get help. You want them to manage it first, and if the line of safety gets crossed, talk to them about when it’s time for you to take over. I told my son, “I want you to know that I trust you to try managing this on your own first. I believe in your ability to handle it, and I know you can do this. However, I need to be clear: if a line of safety is crossed—whether that’s someone threatening you, physically hurting you, or making you feel unsafe in any way—I will need to step and in and take over. My job is to keep you safe, and I’ll always be here to help if you need me.”
Empower
Let them know that it’s okay to stand up for themselves, and that you and other trusted adults can help if they’re feeling threatened or unsafe. Support them to learn coping strategies to use in the moment (e.g., deep breathing, relaxation, or grounding techniques) or ways to assert themselves.
Encourage
Given the impact that bullying can have on a child’s or youth’s self-esteem, it is important to help them build back their confidence and feelings of self-worth. Encourage them to take part in activities they enjoy and spend time with supportive friends. Prioritize special family time to create a sense of safety, comfort, and belonging at home.
Avoid saying things like, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me,” because the sticks and stones being thrown can also be words, so you may have to explore how verbal bullying is impacting your child.
Engage the school
Working with your child’s or youth’s school is a key part of addressing bullying effectively. Talk to your child’s or youth’s teacher or another school staff that you are comfortable with. Whether they are being bullied or bullying others, and whether it’s happening in the school or not, academic performance is almost always impacted. The educator can help you with problem solving and connect you to resources.
If the bullying is happening at school, the principal and school counsellor might also get involved, as they likely have policies and interventions that can help make children and youth feel safe in the school environment. If, however, your child or youth is embarrassed or worried that involving the school will make things worse, take some time to understand their concerns and think about how to respond. For example, you might be able to make an appointment at the school at a time when other students are less likely to notice or engage with educators virtually.
You could also problem-solve with the school to work as a team to manage the bullying in a way that ensures there are no negative consequences for your child or youth, and that they feel safe and supported throughout the process. You can also check out your school board’s website for information about policies in place to address bullying behaviour and what steps to take with the school team if you feel your concerns are not being addressed.
Visit our School Mental Health Backpack to learn more about communicating with your child’s teacher.
Visit School Mental Health Ontario’s By Your Side resource for more information on school-based supports.
Seek professional help
If your child or youth continues to experience ongoing distress due to bullying, it is highly beneficial to seek support from a therapist or counselor who specializes in helping children navigate the effects of bullying, as the impact can be long-lasting. Visit our Find Help tool to get connected to a community child and youth mental health agency near you.